I Used to Love Him...

Im not talking about some boy or about music. Nothing like that. Im talking about my father. I used to love him. Maybe i still do. I dont know. I dont know how to feel anymore. A part of me wants to hate him. For hurting my mother. For hurting my siblings. For hurting me. I question his actions everytime i think of him. I'll think i've out-grown him. But then he calls. I cry. I want to move on buts it like i take those 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.Dang. In my mind i'll believe i've forgiven. But how can i neglect that fact that he really hasnt been apart of my life since i was in the 7th grade? How can i negate the fact that he hasnt contributed to my life financially at all?How can i forget that he wants to know what im doing with my life when technically its none of his business? How can i admit the fact that im too afraid to say that to him? Why should i be afraid to hurt him when he's hurt me so bad? It shouldn't  be easier to talk back to mother who i believe is the most caring generous hard-working person i know. I don't want speak to him. I don't want to be "his daughter". I am my mother's child. But i have his last name. I dont know how to feel anymore.

"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"